InnerSPACE | Blog

If there’s one thing at which the Doctor excels, it’s taking the ordinary and domestic and turning it on its ear. Whether it’s household appliances going murderously haywire or something as simple as water in the upcoming The Waters of Mars special, the show has a knack for making simple concepts compelling and terrifying.

When the shows strays from this path, however, disaster is often the result. Modern visual effects have covered some mistakes with gloss and polish, but even powerful supercomputers and amazing physical effects can’t get in the way of a really dumb idea. Some monsters and threats are not just baddies, they’re BAD.

So with no further ado, here’s a selection of enemies we could have very well done without, from the new and classic series.

The Slitheen: These bulbous, flatulent hucksters first appeared in “Aliens of London” (2005),  impersonating Britain’s highest elected officials and farting their way through 10 Downing St. In case you wonder why I don’t like them as a villain, simply re-read that previous sentence. If it wasn’t bad enough that the Slitheen took up valuable time in the seminal first season of the program, they continue to spread their foul countenances throughout the Whoniverse through multiple appearances on the Sarah Jane Adventures, allegedly a program aimed at children. Won’t someone think of the children?!

The Scribble from “Fear Her” (2006): In what is in my opinion the worst episode of NuWho ever to disgrace our screens, a poorly drawn scribble yanks people out of existence. That’s a pretty dumb idea for an adversary, but you’ll be too busy covering your ears at the grating screams of Chloe Webber and rolling your eyes when the Doctor lights the Olympic torch at the end of the episode to notice.

The Abzorbaloff: “Love and Monsters” (2006)  remains one of the most divisive episodes of new Who, given its somewhat adult humour and position as the inaugural “Doctor Lite” episode that has since become a yearly tradition. Personally, I think it’s a well written, wry commentary on fandom, with an added bonus of the Electric Light Orchestra setting the emotional tone. But one thing all fans agree on is the lameness of the Abzorbaloff, the villain who vanquishes his foes through osmosis and resembles nothing more than excrement in concrete. The Abzorbaloff was designed by a fan as art of a “Blue Peter” (a popular BBC kid’s show) contest...but he’s still awful.

The Myrka from “Warriors of the Deep” (1984) : Ambitious ideas sometimes fall apart in the new series, but they collapsed with astonishing regularity in the studio-bound, analog VFX days of the classic series. The Myrka, an alleged sea monster that resembled nothing more than two guys in a pantomime horse outfit, is still held up in fannish circles as one of the greatest crimes perpetrated against a viewer’s eyeballs.

The Nimon: Actually, the Nimon from “The Horns of Nimon (1979-80)  is no better or worse than most Doctor Who monsters, he’s just a cheap BBC knockoff of a minotaur, surrounded by one of the laziest (though admittedly fairly amusing) stories in Doctor Who history. Won’t someone think of the Nimon?

The Mandrels: Doctor Who rarely tackled controversial issues, but “The Nightmare of Eden” (1979) actually dealt with the horrible effects of drug abuse, albeit in a clunky outer space setting. The message was diluted somewhat by man-sized bugs wearing what appeared to be bell bottom jeans.

The Borad: One of the most reviled Doctor Who villains is the Borad, from the justly-loathed “Timelash” (1985). Colin Baker takes a lot of frankly unfair flack for his portrayal of the Doctor, but in this story both his trademark bluster and eye-scorching costume take a back seat to an unimaginative lump of half-human, half walrus in a chair. Essentially he’s an immobile Sharaz Jek from “The Caves of Androzani” (1984), minus any pathos, menace or acting ability.

There are plenty more examples of tepid villains to draw from, thanks to Doctor Who being around for 46 years (and counting) and the low, low budget of the classic series. but next week I’ll examine some of the less appreciated but certifiably awesome monsters from both the old and new series.

Waters of Mars airs on SPACE Saturday December 19 - 9ET/6PT

Warren Frey blogs about Doctor Who and is one of the hosts of Radio Free Skaro, Canada's most popular Doctor Who podcast.